Live Through This

25 years ago this past week, the CD that would change my life was released.

Live Through This. Hole.

I also found the Goddess known as Courtney Love. She is legendary, epic, raw, unapologetic. A rock star. I LOVE her.

(Which also means that Kurt cobain has been dead 25 years, 4/12/94.)

Courtney Love and her music woke up my Spirit. I never understood what the angst was that filled my body. But she gave it language. I saw a real Wild Woman. Maybe she was mirroring the wild woman in me. She poked her to wake her up. Since then, Courtney has served as a diety of sorts to me. I honor her. I pay respect. I fan girl. In times of needing direction, I ask myself ‘WWCD?’ She was right there, 25 years ago, to start this fire, to pull the trigger, on this story that puts us here today.

Live Through This wasn’t just the title. It was direction. It was a message from the universe for me to turn on. To get up and fight. To be ready. That I had to live through what was coming.

*Let’s be clear: the legend status that is Courtney Love is not up for debate. If you happen to disagree, keep it to yourself here. This is my world you’re in here. Courtney is the standard of Rock star, bad ass, beauty, and vulnerability. Not up for discussion.

25 years ago, I was just about to move to Boulder, and I was finishing my Associates Degree. I was about to not just move away, but move out on my own for the first time. With my boyfriend.

I had just lost a lot of weight. Up to that point, I lived in a body that was bigger, rounder, softer. With just learning to work out, I lost around 80 lbs. This was the first time I ever was somewhat comfortable with my body. That I might be physically attractive. It was so awkward because I was going through this for the first time in my 20s, while I was in a long term relationship.

I was about to have my first major break up. From my first love & relationship. So poetically devastating. We will call him Lenny. He fancied himself as the tortured poet, the tormented artist. He was a perfect Kurt to my Courtney. We even moved to Seattle together. Obviously, our plans of being the new Kurt & Courtney of rock royalty were not realized. Or maybe they were. Disaster, mess, trainwrecks. Yep. Looking back now, maybe we did a really good job actualizing the plan. We were a disaster, full of angst and pain, raw creativity, and needing out of the smallness of Colorado Springs at the time. But of course, like all wildfires, it burned out.

The breakup left me in financial crisis. But, I was in Boulder, working full-time, actually on my own for the very first time. As difficult as that time was, I never questioned what I was doing. I was changing. I had to keep exploring. I craved experience and excitement, all within my incredible sense of responsibility. So I went to work every damn day, went to school every damn day, and did all the crazy things that a girl living in Boulder in the 90s did. Disco Inferno on the Hill, and Potters on Pearl Street. I was there in my Mary Janes, belly shirts, drinking Pyramid Apricot Ale. Still love that shit.

That was the gist of the first 4 years of the 25 that lead us here.

18 years spent in the guts of these 25 years……coming up.

Transition to the next major phase of my life: depression, anxiety, financial success, career, terrible marriage.

Courtney wasn’t doing too well herself here. We both went to lows at the same time.

I was professionally and financially successful. I had a plan: Career. Own a home/financial stability. Get married. And I did! I could check everything off the list. But I didn’t fill these goals with results that were good, just results. And I paid for that.

I spent 22 in Retail Management. PURE FUCKING HELL. So not the right environment for me. It broke my Spirit and my body. It made me lose faith in people. I learned to distrust myself and always be at fault and talk about my weaknesses and how I can do more to obtain more/ bigger results. At the expense of my sanity and health. But I made a lot of money. Lots. Here’s the thing: if you are willing to sell your soul, you can make the money. So, 3 boxes checked on the life goal list: career, financial stability, and owning a home.

The fucking marriage part.

Fuck. The worst.

We’ll call him Jack(ass). 18 years of sadness, loneliness, and pain. I didn’t find the person I should marry. I found someone who would marry me so I could meet my goals. Career(at a job that I hated and destoyed me). Financial Stability(sold my soul, and was taken advantage of because I had means). Husband(that I didn’t love). Done.

Good job Holly. You really did it that time. It took me a few years to undo that one. By 2016 I was out of retail, divorced, and a financial disaster.

I feel like at this point in the story, Courtney(the Diety), saw me losing hope, and sent me the message of Forrest Yoga. I was supposed to live through this.

Starting over in 2016 was the bravest decision I ever made. What I thought I wanted was obviously wrong, and I chose, regardless of what would happen, to walk away from all of it. To try to find what my real passions were. What did I want? What was the mark of success for me? I still really don’t know, but 3 years ago I set a match to my life and I let the motherfucker burn.

I did have my third significant relationship at this point. This piece of work we shall call Mit. Piece of work. This gem taught me that not everyone is good. Some are just inherently bad. Born Bad. Karma has her work with him, and she’s up for the challenge.

I had also decided on my career. Which wasn’t really a career choice, but another message. I am lucky enough that I know what my purpose is, and I do the work I’m supposed to do, everyday. I was meant to be able to show all my sides, to be authentic. I was meant to offer a place for others to do the same. It just so happens that the vehicle for this is Yoga. Sweet. Not a bad vehicle!

Side story: During the Boulder/Lenny era, there was this strange friend/character. I think his name was Eric. He was Lenny’s friend. And of course, they both worked in a coffee shop. So cliche. Anyway, we used to watch Fellini films, talk literature and science and poetry, very 90’s Boulder. I remember one time he was talking about life patterns. He was saying that our lives were always on a cycle. it was a repeating storyline, but detail changes.

I guess my more intelligent offering to this discussion now would be: is it the point to learn from each cycle?

Do you get stuck in a rut if the patterns don’t change and evolve? Learned experience?

Trying to break cycles and patterns. Is this my major pivotal moment to change to story direction? It feels like yes, the passion is yes, but the fight is hard. I’m older, more scars. But, more strength and wisdom. And, I have more awareness of Self and Spirit.

So, here we are, 25 years later, me & Courtney.

You gave me all the warning I needed. You woke up my anger. My rawness. The mess. The passion. The wild Woman. Because I needed to find her to survive through those next 25 years.

I did live through it. And on the other side of those 25 years, is softness. This is where I come alive. This is what I’ve been waiting and working for. Even though I don’t know what ‘this’ is yet, I feel like I need to be patient for a second. This is all about to actualize. My time of being a teacher. Not just of Yoga, but of authenticity. Boundaries. Spirit. I don’t need to same fire for the next 25. This fire is more intelligent. Smoldering. Well tended. Intentional.

Still wild as fuck though.

I only dream and aspire to be a rock star, but a fleeting dream. Courtney is though. A real fucking rock star. And not a ‘woman’ rock star. A fucking rock star gender regardless. She’s a standard.

Best tracks on Live Through This are:

1, 3, 8, 9, 11, 12

Holly, devotee of Courtney Love, OG Trap Queen

https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-features/live-through-this-hole-25-anniversary-classic-album-courtney-love-grunge-821004/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cH_rfGBwamc

Holly Horter