The Adventures of Turquoise Spider Woman
This pose in the photo is Turquoise Spider Woman. I love this pose, but I don’t teach it very often. First, It gets tricky to build up to this in a 60 minute class. She deserves time and the slow invitation of space. Second, I have really intense sensations in this pose, and i feel very vulnerable. I don’t try to bring that work with me into class. It just feels like a something meant just for me and my breath. The expansiveness of the side bodies. The structure of the outer legs. The lengthening of the inner thighs. The wideness of my low back. This is magic to me. But the shape has always called to me as well. It is daunting. Not very approachable on the outside. But, as much strength as it requires, it equally requires a special softness and delicacy. An easy patience that isn’t rattled along the way to the bigger picture.
Back to her later.
From my last blog, Job Title:, I got called out on some bullshit. One of my feisty little nuggets of a friend reminded me that I failed to list my title as Friend.
I didn’t do it on purpose. As I thought about why that title never even occurred to me, it’s because I don’t spend a lot of time in that role.
Not that I’m that much of an asshole. But, I am a poet at the dark art of Isolation and Amputation. There was a time when isolating was a way to protect myself. And it worked, when it needed to. But I’ve never given up the commitment to the practice, even though it s not a source of protection anymore, but a way of doing self harm and causing more emotional harm.
Whew, that was wordy.
I can call myself an introvert, or shy, and while those things are partially true, let’s call a spade a spade, I hide away.
I don’t go out very often, except to work or go to King Soopers.
When I do, I stress about do I look ok, will I have fun, how much does this cost……it’s exhausting, so it’s just easier not to go.
And, if I’m being truthful, I usually don’t want to go, anywhere.
Not because I don’t love you my friends. It’s not you, it’s me. For real.
I worry about what I have to offer that’s interesting. I wonder you enjoy my company. I put so much pressure on myself to go and talk, and interact, and be spontaneous and charming and adorable. It’s not easy for me to just ‘be easy’. I overthink everything. That’t how I justify the decision to stay home.
At home, I’m safe
But I’m also scared.
But at home, I have control.
No one can make me feel bad if I’m not around anyone.
Can’t get hurt if you don’t let anyone in.
While all those things are true, they come at a very high price:
My isolated island also is rich in:
Feeling like a secret
Feel like a recluse
ALL SELF INDUCED.
I have also come to learn that I am an artist at Amputation. So skilled that my craft could be in a museum.
Amputation is the harsh sister of Isolation. Not everyone gets to here. It takes a special talent.
You see, not only will I isolate, I will cut people out of my life, like Black Mamba releasing her Hatori Hanzo sword. (If your not a Tarantino geek like me, that made no sense to you. I’m good at cutting people out quite brutally, without remorse.)
I’m not proud of this talent.
Yes, there have been some fucking rancid people in my life that absolutely needed to be cut out.
And, they are gone, without a second thought,
But, I don’t always reserve this talent for the deserving. I throw it around like the asshole in the front row of class, waving their ‘yoga dick’. It’s nothing to be proud of. And others are not impressed.
But, I do it to keep my heart as safe as I can. I’ve been hurt. Badly. I feel too much and too deep. And emotions sweep me away. Passion is fiery. Love is sweet and safe. And heartache and pain are a thousand knives in my heart. Letting me bleed everywhere.
I’ve used my isolation as a form of healing. And, maybe, yes it is.
But not always.
Sometimes I might need to go outside, and leave my people hacking sword behind.
Back to Turquoise Spider woman.
As with many postures in Forrest Yoga, it is inspired by a creature of nature.
According to /www.insectidentification.org, the turquoise spider has ‘shiny and elongated abdomen, giving this tiny arachnid something to boast about.’
‘The Turquoise Spider webs can be found in shrubs or trees, and have a widely spaced strands. The spider itself hangs upside down or hides on a twig nearby waiting for its prey. Once, ensnared, the spider bites to immobilize, wraps the prey in spider silk, and consumes it when It likes. It can also be found running around home gardens.’
Hmm Sh’es feisty. Slight resemblance to me.
Perfectly dramatic for me.
The Turquoise Spider is a also a venomous, biting spider.
When I amputate people, I lash with the venom and the bite of the turquoise spider. It’s meant to hurt, paralyze, and destroy.
Destroy any desire to interact with me. Destroy any possibility of reconciliation.
Another way to interpret the spider is by looking to Native American folklore.
"The Spider Woman, sometimes referred to as The Spider Grandmother, is portrayed in Native American myth as the Mother who created all life. The woman who sits in the middle of the universe spinning her web connecting all living life to each other. She was honored in tribes such as the Navajo and the Hopi Indians. According to Hopi myth, in the beginning of time, The Spider Woman ruled the underworld, and the Sun God, Tawa, ruled the sky. Together they created the Earth between them, and Spider Woman is said to have molded all the animals and people out of clay. Using her magical thread, she connected all human, plant and animal life together, so that everything in the universe would be spun together in the intricate web of life.”
She is magic, like me.
She does hiss, like me.
She does hide, and strike her prey. I’ve been known…
She cuts what she perceives as danger out without hesitation. I amputate people.
But. she is also seen as a mother. A being who creates a web of resources.
And she does have a dark side, just like me.
So, I will work on taking on more of the softness and the web building of Turquoise Spider Woman. I’ll try to come out of the bushes and into the open.
But, I will still hiss at danger. I will know my power, without having to wave it around and throw it over my shoulder.
Soft Spider Woman, with the amazing title of ‘Friend’,
Thank you for reminding me Des.