The Incredible Invisible Woman-September 2018
The Incredible Invisible Woman
We all have things we’re good at. Mine is isolation. I'm a champion with hiding, either by myself at home, or, making myself invisible in public. It’s actually pretty easy for me. It’s a lifelong sport that I have perfected.
Over the past two months, I have been having to face all my fears, and put myself out there. Damn website. I've had to post on social media, take photos, videos, put my bio out there, and now, here we are, with a blog post. I am breathing sooooo deeply as a write this, with active feet, and a relaxed neck. Well, I’m trying to at least.
The conversations in my head are nasty. The internal war in my body makes me want to jump out of my skin and fucking run. But I can't hide anymore. I have to be seen. For my growth. To move past my own bullshit. To change the story. To make a damn living.
What if people think I'm stupid? What the hell do I have to say? What if people don’t like what I have to say? Fuck it. The reality is, there will be people who don't like what I have to say. Does that really matter though? Why do I care? I do though. A lot. Then I remember, I don't like what some people have to say. I don’t think less of them, they just have a different opinion than me. So, why not afford myself the same patience and courtesy? I do have things to say and ideas to share. I have to start sharing with more than just Loki. He’s tired.
The photos and videos. Shit. That's actually the big one. I've had body image issues all my life. We could go down the road of where they came from, but I’m not going there. I’m bored as fuck with giving that energy. Here's the truth: I hate what I see in photos and videos. I want to be thinner. Taller. More attractive. Cuter outfit. Better background. Photos of yoga poses...shit. Who am I to post a pic of me in a posture? My inner critic tells me nobody wants to see that. What if I’m not engaged enough? What will the trolls say? (By the way, fuck off trolls.) I’m not pretty enough for that.
Today, I posted a photo of me in Warrior 2. The world didn’t end, no trolls, and I didn’t die of embarrassment. It’s just a picture. Of me. Doing Yoga. It’s a big deal for me. I survived.
And the videos! Does anyone really like the sound of their voice? Well, some do. But you know what I’m talking about. That moment you hear a recording of your voice, and you cringe. But, I did my first video this past weekend. It felt like torture, and it did not come naturally. I had to stay in my utter fear and discomfort. I have no idea how it will turn out, or if it will even be useable, but I did it.
I’m a beginner at allowing myself to be seen. And, just like in Yoga, it’s ok to be a beginner. This all feels so hard and awful because I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m afraid to mess up, or that I won't be good at this. But then, Loki reminds me to think about the people who show up to my beginners class, and what I tell them: It’s ok to be a beginner. Learn. Let go of expectations. Who cares if you mess up! Just breathe.
So, I’m taking my own advice.
Of course I’m scared, I’m doing something new! But I have friends who are supporting the shit out of me, pushing me out of my comfort zone of hiding, and teaching me.
So, get the fuck ready world, I’m done hiding. I’m going to share. I’m going to take up space. I’m going to take photos and videos. And share them. And work towards changing what I see when I look at them. There are going to be trolls and people who don't agree with me. Of course there will be. But, I’m not talking to them, and I need to remember that. I’m talking to you.