Really Real Shit
Ok, wanna get really real? Like, the crazy shit? Either way, here we go!
I have a lot in my head right now, and I’m stopping my usual patterns, and facing it a different way.
I’m just going to type. Whatever comes up, comes up. I will not delete anything. I will not pussy out of something that came up, and minimize it with editing. I will only edit spelling and gross grammatical errors.
Also, I’ve been using the idea of bullet pointing with my journaling. It makes it less daunting sometimes. I can just get down what I need to get down. I’m gonna use that shit here.
Make sure your seat belts are secure. All hands stay in the car at all times during the ride. Wait until the ride comes to a full and complete stop before exiting. Enjoy your stay at Holly Horter Yoga.
I ran into that ex today. For the first time. Of course I did, I looked whackadoo. I wasn’t prepared. I was caught off guard. I felt all of the adrenaline as I realized the encounter was happening. And, in my normal pattern, I tried to to run. (Metaphorically run. I think we all know that my ass doesn’t actually run. For anything.). We can all plan and script that moment in our head. But all damn sense left my body, and I actually had to be present in the encounter, if I couldn’t run away. I had to feel it. I had to go through all the torturous moments to not stick to my pattern of run or numb. I was as kind as I could be, and I spoke my truth. (All is relative to the moment.) All my prepared speeches and responses of non-chalantness fucking ditched me. I’m not going to say that I kept it classy; but, I did keep it my truth, hissing back at someone who needs to be hissed at. I don’t know that this is the best way to handle this. And, I’m sure is there is some more enlightened folk out there who would be able to stay calm, kind, and peaceful. But I’m not that bitch. I’'ll cut a bitch(again, metaphorically)(wink wink). Moral of the story: that encounter will NEVER go as planned and prepared. It will catch you off guard, and fuck with you. But, it’s cool. I’ll do the work.
I learned within the past 4 days that my presence alone, causes grown women to run out of a party that has free booze and food.. My presence alone is that powerful.. Ok.
I loved my class tonight. It was full of breath and sweat and passion, and softness and strength. And moments of people finding sensation in their bodies. That i provided the space for. I am good at that. I offer space for people to feel strong and vulnerable. I’m going to be proud of myself for that. Fuck you inner critic. And the haters. Fuck you too.
I talk a lot about replacing ‘sorry’ with ‘sexy’(or smart, sassy, whatever works for you). Save the sorrys for when you really fuck something up. But, the sorry, when truly appropriate, needs to be specific, when you’ve fucked up that big. That’s the point. Sorry cant be a blanket sentiment without acknowledging what you may have done to hurt someone. You cannot put the band aid I’m Sorry to solve all life’s problems. Do the work. For causing a situation that left a wound. Are you sorry for specific things? Or, are you sorry that someone doesn’t like you?
I think that’s what it really is.
There’s another level of vulnerability here that I should share. If we’re being really real, just between us girls:
I stopped journaling when I was going through my divorce. My journal was stolen and used against me. So, I don’t really trust the sacredness of a journal. So, I’ll take my power back. I’ll put my story out there.
It always comes back to that for me as I keep growing. Stop beating yourself up. We all do the best we can in the moment. trust that
Who knows what will actually happen to this post. I don’t even know as I type. Maybe I’ll hit delete. Maybe it will stay a draft forever. Maybe a just stop giving a shit what everyone thinks of me and put my shit out there. Because someone else needs to be able to connect. Not feel alone. Or more broken than anyone else. I guess we’ll see.
Tits up friends.
Again, we do the best we can in the moment.